The internal negotiation
Reminder: It's time for your Weekly 1:1™
Today's agenda: The internal negotiation
The question on the table: When did you last ask for what you actually wanted - without editing it first?
Before we start: This one might make you think about a conversation you have coming up. That's a good thing.
Negotiation is a practical and genuinely useful skill set: the tactics, the preparation, knowing your BATNA, your walk-away point, all of that. In business especially, the ability to negotiate effectively can determine the trajectory of your career, your team, and your organization. I find that many people often skip the negotiating we do internally, before we ever sit at the negotiation table.
We negotiate with ourselves constantly (and I mean constantly.) We do this not just before a big salary conversation or a contract discussion, but in the small moments too. Whether to speak up in a meeting or let it go. Whether to ask for what you actually need from someone or soften it into something easier to say yes to. Whether to push back on something that doesn't feel right or just absorb it and move on. All of that is negotiation, and it's happening quietly, internally, all the time.
And most of us lose that internal negotiation before anyone else even knows there was one. We talk ourselves down. We say no to ourselves. We decide in advance that the ask is too big, or the timing isn't right, or the other person isn't going to go for it anyway, so why make it awkward. And by the time we're actually in the room, we've already given something up. Nobody took it from us. We handed it over before we walked in.
That comes from a lot of accumulated history. Every time we were made to feel like we were asking for too much, or found ourselves in a room where we weren't sure we belonged. Or when we watched someone else advocate for themselves easily and confidently and felt that little flicker of - how do they do that, and why does it feel so hard for me.
The internal work looks a lot like the external preparation we're told to do anyway - knowing what you want, knowing what you'll accept, knowing where your line is. The difference is doing that work without immediately editing it down into something safer. Letting yourself want what you actually want before you decide whether to ask for it.
One place to start is simply slowing down enough to notice when you're negotiating against yourself. What's the story you're telling before the conversation even begins? Is it true, or is it a habit? Getting curious about that internal dialogue - rather than just acting on it - creates just enough space to make a different choice.
Negotiation skills are real and they're useful. They only take you so far if the internal work hasn't happened first. Knowing what you want, knowing what you're worth, and actually believing it enough to say it out loud - consider it the most important prep work you'll do before any negotiation.
The question I'll leave you with this week:
What's one conversation you've been preparing to have where you might already be negotiating against yourself?
Lisa English, ACC, CMM is a Leadership and Executive Coach and Strategic Consultant with deep expertise in Events, Travel and Hospitality. The Weekly 1:1™ publishes every Tuesday at 8am PT. Subscribe at lisaenglishsg.substack.com or subscribe below.