How to get what you need from someone who doesn't know you need it
Reminder: It's time for your Weekly 1:1™
Today's agenda: How to get what you need from someone who doesn't know you need it
The question on the table: What are you waiting for your leader to figure out about you - and what would it take to just tell them?
Before we start: Pour another cup of tea and take a few minutes for yourself. This one is worth sitting with.
If you've ever managed people, you know this feeling: you want to help your team grow. You're watching someone you believe in stay stuck in a role that's too small for them, and you can't figure out what's holding them back - or what they actually need from you. It's frustrating. It feels like trying to solve a puzzle with half the pieces missing.
That's because you are. Most leaders are working with whatever picture their team has chosen to show them -they’re managing more people than they should, holding more moving parts than any human can actually hold. They're not ignoring you. They're just not seeing you clearly enough to notice what you need.
Which means you have to tell them.
Not dropping hints. Not waiting for them to pick up on the subtext of your frustration. Not hoping that your potential is obvious enough to speak for itself. You have to ask for what you need - the growth, the challenge, the feedback, the shift in direction - and you have to ask clearly enough that they actually hear it.
The thing is, most people don't. We dance around what we're actually asking for. We embed our real request in multiple layers of context, hoping they'll extract the thing we actually want without us having to name it directly. In reality, they won't. So we stay stuck.
Getting what you need starts with knowing what it is. Sounds simple enough, but it's not. A lot of us know we're unhappy in a role, but we're less clear about what would actually make it different. We know we want to grow, but we can't quite define what growth looks like. We sense something is missing, but we can't articulate what.
Your leader can't help you find something you can't name.
So start there. Get clear on what you actually need. Not what you think you should need, not what sounds impressive or reasonable. What would genuinely change things for you. Is it autonomy? A different kind of project? Regular feedback? A coach or mentor? A timeline for advancement? Permission to stop doing something that's draining you?
Once you know, you have to ask for it. This is where most people falter, because asking feels vulnerable. It feels like you're admitting you don't have it all figured out. It feels like weakness.
It's not. Asking for what you need is clarity. It's self-leadership. It's the opposite of pretending everything is fine when it isn't. And here's what actually happens when you ask clearly - when you walk into your leader's office or set up time and you say, "I need (this) because it matters to me for these reasons." When you can name it, most of the time they try to help. Not always - but most of the time, they will. Because now they know. Because you gave them something to work with instead of a puzzle to solve.
Your leader can't want things for you that they don't know you want for yourself.
The question I'll leave you with this week:
Get clear on one thing you need from your leader. Not a wish. Not a hope. Something real. Then tell me what it is - or at least tell them.
Lisa English, ACC, CMM is a Leadership and Executive Coach and Strategic Consultant with deep expertise in Events, Travel and Hospitality. The Weekly 1:1™ publishes every Tuesday at 8am PT. Subscribe at lisaenglishsg.substack.com or subscribe below.