Human interactions often go quiet. It happens in meetings, in 1:1s, in the gap between agenda items, and in the middle of a conversation when someone stops mid-thought. The air goes still, and for many there is a pull to somehow “fix it,” as if a quiet pause is something to be avoided. We jump in. We add a comment. We try to summarize what the other person was trying to say. Or sometimes, we just move on. We give that silence something to do.
Leaders who can sit in that open space have achieved something very helpful to themselves and the people around them. They have learned to be comfortable in the silence. They are not worried that the pause means something has gone wrong, and they don’t need to be the one who makes the next sound. Their approach is simple: let’s all linger here a moment and see what happens next.
A team takes its cue from the person at the front of the room. When the leader is at home in a pause, everyone else can relax in it too.
Thinking takes time, and no two people take the same amount. While one person is searching for the right words, another is deciding whether it is safe to say what they actually believe. Another noticed something ten minutes ago and now has something meaningful to say. Fill open spaces too fast, and the quickest voices become the only ones we hear. The slower thought, which is often the deeper, more comprehensive one, stays in someone’s head because they could not get it out fast enough.
Those deep thinkers are worth hearing. Holding silence provides a stretch of time in which a slower thought can be shared, and the leader who is comfortable letting the air sit is the one who makes sure everyone gets heard and can contribute.
I learned how to do this in my coaching education. Holding space and sitting in silence while another person thinks are key. You ask a question, and then you stay. You don’t rescue it or rephrase it, and you don’t offer a better answer than theirs. You wait while the person across from you finds their own way there. It has become natural for me now, far beyond a coaching session. I truly enjoy silence, because good stuff happens in there.
I notice it when I am leading a meeting, and I notice it even more when someone else is. I know how it feels to be rushed, to have that important space to think filled in before I am ready. I can feel the thought I was still forming slip away, as I keep my focus on what is being said. Thank goodness for my notebook, where I can jot down those thoughts! In these situations, I’m often left wondering what could have happened if there had been time, in the space with others present, to think it through together.
Learning to enjoy the silence is a practice, one that I’ve come to appreciate deeply. However, not every silence is the same kind. A silence can be generous, and it can also be a leader holding back, or a team that stopped speaking up because speaking up never changed anything. From the outside they can appear to be the same thing. The way to tell is to stay curious, keep listening, and sit in the silence long enough to find out.
The question I’ll leave you with:
What might someone say if you gave them a little more time?
Lisa English, ACC, CMM is a Leadership Coach with deep expertise in Meetings, Events, and Travel.